Dear Mr President
Well, that all went fairly well. Despite the prayers of our Fourth Estate, you only dropped one clanger and that was when you seemed to suggest that our sacrosanct National Health Service would somehow be a necessary part of any trade deal.
As is your wont you withdraw this a few hours later which, frankly, confused the already confused situation as a lot of us had no idea what you were banging on about in the first place. Saying it will be left on the table didn’t help either.
That’s an expression our dearly departing Prime Minister has used more than once after yet more negotiations with johnny foreigner across the Chanel and no one was ever sure if she meant that the matter would be plain forgotten, adroitly dropped or disastrously implemented.
You graciously acknowledged the part we played in the victory of the D-Day invasion – the remembrance of which was the excuse for your being here in the first place – and we equally graciously avoided pointing out the actual historical fact that we won albeit with your help
We watched our TV screens with bated breath to see if you got ahead of Her Maj on any walkabouts but you ambled along behind like a loyal Corgi. You have no idea how close you got to being banged up in The Tower that last time.
As you arrived on Air Force One the whole visit looked like it was ramping up for a lot of bother when you did an air to ground Tweet lambasting the Mayor of London, calling him – among other things – a loser.
There was a brief period with hacks wondering what the description “loser” means when applied to a mayor but on reflection, they hardly bothered to comment as they realised most of us could not give a damn any way.
You somehow managed to get up the nose of helicopter pilot Prince Harry, apparently for being a tad disparaging about his missus, but the poor chap is so henpecked he was probably under instruction from her in any event.
Where the Royals are concerned, you can thank your lucky stars that Prince Philip had taken to his bed because if there is – or was – one man who could out trump a Trump for foot putting it would be Phil the Greek and you may have found yourself ousted from centre stage.
So – your don’t have anything to apologise for. In fact, if anyone should be saying sorry, it is us. A handful of snowflakes plus older people who should know better were discourteous enough to parade with placards and things but hell, its a free country and, like your good self, they know bugger all about climate change
You more than made up for any minor indiscretions by refusing to meet the midget Marxist known to us as the Leader of HM’s Opposition. You scored so many bonus points with this one that your may well find yourself on the receiving end of an honorary British Empire gong.
Whilst you let us down a bit by not meeting up with our next Prime Minister, newly short haired Boisterous Boris, you did get our vote smuggling “no bloody deal” Nigel by car into a US Embassy annex for a private chat.
All in all, for a chap who does have some difficulties with the English language, you made yourself pretty clear most of the time so good luck and come back soon.